8 Reason Why You've Stopped Having SE-X in Your Relationship—And How You Can Address It Perfectly

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As a motivational speaker and a relationship expert, I always like to ask about the sex life if individual and married couples. It's important I hear it from them when we have session together. 

What I hear in my sessions mirrors recent happenings in marriages  which indicates an upward trend in the number of Nigerian couples who reported have a stop and start approach to their sexual experience, and sometimes eventually gets bored or stops having sex entirely for a long period of time.

While there are surely societal influences that may be impacting our sex lives at large, there are also elements that are unique to our individual relationships. That said, here are some of the most common interpersonal reasons people in relationships stop having sex, as well as how to address them.

1. You focus on cultivating intimacy but not desire

Desire, our capacity to succumb to our pleasures without guilt or shame, is selfish by definition. On the contrary, long-term relationships are built on mutual respect and mindfulness of the other person's needs. In order to have a thriving sex life, we must wrestle with the contradictions between our values and our innate desire. Intimacy thrives on security and stability, while desire feeds off newness and is stifled by routine.

2. You don't spend enough quality time together

Investing time and energy in your relationship promotes attunement and could lead to increased sexual satisfaction. If life feels "too busy" to carve out this time, consider scheduling date nights or sex like you would a meeting or workout class, to ensure it is prioritized. Partners are expected to spend time alone with each other at least once a week.

3. You don't know what you want—or how to ask for it

Experiencing pleasure requires that we have a clear sense of what we want. Pleasure is sometimes viewed as self-indulgent and narcissistic, two qualities that most people don't want to be defined by and therefore resist exploring. But instead of judging our preferences, we must own them. Through experimentation, we can identify what feels good and how we like to be touched.

It is our right to have our needs met—and clearly stating our sexual preferences to our partners is like giving them the roadmap to helping achieve that. Show or tell your partner how to satisfy your needs. You'll both be better off for it (and so will your relationship).

4. You're not comfortable with your body

It is not our bodies themselves that impact our gratification, but rather our feelings toward them. Implementing positive self-talk has not only proven to increase confidence but also to internally remodel the negative grooves in our brains. Additionally, building awareness of what we allow into our field of view by limiting our intake of body "inspiration" on social media can positively impact our self-concept.

5. You're experiencing a life transition

If you need time to settle the grievances, calm the fear and switching to a new role entirely, it's okay. Take your time, but don't let that transition dictates your reaction, especially too, how you approach your current relationship or a possible new one.

6. Your sex life is a reflection of another impasse in your relationship 

There's nothing good communication can not ordinarily solve. So why don't you talk over the problem with your partner and take away the roadblocks.

7. Your technology addiction is inhibiting your sex drive

You may be surprised to know that technology has destroyed a lot of potentially good relationship. It's time to take your partner, your relationship and your sex life above your phone.

8. You're not in the mood (for a variety of reasons)

A lack of sexual desire may be influenced by physiological challenges, psychological issues, or a combination of the two. Certain health conditions, like diabetes, or medications, like anti-depressants, may impact how turned on you feel. Life stressors, subsequent worries, low self-esteem, and a history of sexual abuse can all promote sexual distance. Expressing these mind and body experiences to a trusted partner, friend, or therapist may reduce their grip on the sexual connection.

Approaching our sex lives as living, and therefore malleable, gives us permission to change the dynamic at any time. Having the will to revisit the erotic narrative in a relationship encourages us to look deeper into our own desires and those of our partners, having the potential to lead to more and better sex.

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